I have been away from MOT for about 6 months now, I quit my job you see.
About 28 years ago I said a stupid thing to my wife “I am not responsible for your happiness.” Which was a nasty thing to say, but looking back, it reflected my own darkness. A darkness only I thought I could and would fix. The honeymoon year was great, then the darkness pulled in. Until recently when I admitted I needed help.
- Admit you need help, really, admit you cannot do this alone
- Find someone you can talk to and who will hold you accountable
- Get professional help
I echo a lot of what Ady talks about, opening up is hard, and when it comes to group therapy, not everyone will be ready for that. Some people never will, that is fine, but you have to be open with your coach or therapist. The more open you are, the more you will progress quickly.
- If in the UK, there are a few programmes for mental health, your GP can refer you for CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) therapy, it is free. But I suggest setting aside some savings and getting professional help.
- Pace yourself, set a long goal on this. and don’t give up your job like I did, I waited too long.
- Testify, once the therapy starts working, speak out, like @AdyStokes has done, you will be amazed at how many people are in the same boat.
- Step back often. Step back and access your state and progress. Don’t worry about the past, that is gone, therapy will help you look forward. Stepping back will help you find balance.
As they say you cannot change the past, only the future. I found that pacing myself, celebrating and normalising have made a huge difference. We all have suicidal thoughts, spotting danger is the thing that keeps us alive. We perform almost a dozen risk assessments every single day, and the one you do just before you cross the road where huge trucks are speeding by, is just an assessment, do not dwell on it! It’s normal to have it, but it keeps you alive, move on quickly.
I will post in more detail soon around my recent discovery how my depression, which I just termed “grumpiness” for so long, was rooted less in imposter-syndrome and more in anxiety. All rooted in ADHD and Autism, which I knew very little about. It took just one toxic boss to tip me over the edge and I am glad now that I quit, to take time off. 1 month is not enough, stronger mental health is a lifestyle, there is no silver bullet.