I was listening to this excellent talk by @barryeh from Testbash last year where he discusses the idea of self-awareness being a moral responsibility in the workplace.
He gives examples of situations where team members clash because of opposing personalities (extroversion vs introversion, in this case) and how this led to people leaving the team after numerous clashes.
He ponders on how the situation could be different if these people were more aware of how their personalities are perceived by others and how these interactions affect their teammates.
Iām curious to hear if anyone has had similar experiences in their workplaces where they might have a particular personality type that may not gel with their colleagues (or have colleagues with those personality types) and what steps you, they or your team took to navigate those situations?
I wonder how helpful that is for mapping peoples ways of working and understanding of what drives people in their team, to improve self awareness of themselves and others.
Similarly is the Manual of me which is designed for people to communicate to their team their communication and working style.
Iāve been hearing a lot of talks reference a Manual of Me this year!
I think itās definitely a worthwhile exercise for teams to do to help them better understand each other.
The Social Styles personality model also sounds quite interesting and I wonder if there is a way to workshop both of these things within teams to create a better work environment.
I confess in my earlier management days I was a hot head, brought up in an organisation that encouraged conflict. So it was survival technique in a toxic environment. Once I got out of there (quitting management as a result), I knew I didnāt want to be that person so really started to focus on what Iād learnt from the 7 habits, to build better self awareness and then to build better relationships.
Its a work in progress but I do struggle at times if I feel me, people in my team or my profession are disrespected. So when that happens I try to remind myself of the collaborative habits:
Habit 4 - āThink Win/Winā. Go into this conversation with the intent that you want to succeed and you want the other person to succeed as well
Habit 5 - āSeek first to understand, then to be understoodā. My instinct is to defend, but I start by working to understand where their criticism comes from and their concerns, before I give them my view.
Habit 6 - āSynergiseā Is there a middle ground or a solution thats better than our individual perspectives - rather than trying to āWin/Loseā or āLose/Winā. If not, its fine to just respect differences and end with no deal, because the motivation has to be we both end up with a better relationship and understanding of each other.
I love that you brought up the survival aspect of toxic environments.
We often feel like have to take on the traits of those around us; especially if weāre new to a workplace. Iām glad to hear that you recognised that you didnāt want to be that kind of person at work and removed yourself from that environment.
The habits that youāve mentioned are great as well.
Especially the second one. If we take the stance that weāre trying to understand someoneās point of view first, rather than challenge it, we can approach conversations with a more level head.
I can see thereās already been some very good responses and insightful references to the topic from others, which is great to see
I really like that @ayesha.saeed mentioned manuals of me. I have often found that to be a very good way to learn things about others in a team, especially if you work in a big team where you donāt necessary interact on a personal level with everyone.
Whenever my teams have done manuals of me, Iām always intrigued by how much I get to know about other colleagues. Sometimes, itās the littlest things that comes down in ways that help me understand them better, which I always appreciate.
I also especially like the āseek first to understandā point from 7 habit that @ghawkes highlighted. I believe that single act of curiosity to understand the perspective of the other is definitely a precursor to preventing many unnecessary conflicts in a team.
In any case, as you have hinted @eamond15, the dynamics we sometimes find ourselves in at work is not always easy to navigate. Itās never easy trying to figure out where yours or the other personās responsibility lies, against what is driven by the environment and the culture of the spaces we find ourselves.
I think it is a constant balancing act we have to engage in. I believe this is where self-awareness is a good starting point. So, when Iām faced with difficult situations at work, what do I do?
my first step is usually to take a step back to analyze and understand what exactly is going on
and figure out where my responsibility lie? Is it to understand? Make my point? Explain? Or Seek a resolution etc.
when in doubt about the above, then my next step is to figure out what I can do to not make the situation worse than it already is?
When all else fail, I give it more time to reflect, seek guidance and support from those that may have understanding of the situation. That can be a colleague, manager, mentor, coach etc.
In the end, I also find it important to always remember we all (myself and those I interact with) are just trying to do their best in what might be a difficult situation, environment, or context. Hence, a little bit of patience with each other sometimes can go a long way
Really interesting topic. Iāve been told several times that Iām very self-aware, which I see as a good thing. It helps me adapt and continuously improve. One thing Iām aware of with that, though, is that I sometimes try harder than I need to improve, forgetting that sometimes itās the other person who has room for development.
Luckily, I havenāt had many experiences of clashes. One situation I can remember though, is when I was working with a junior tester who always told me things were going well and everything was fine, but then complained about things to our scrum master. I tried to talk to her directly about it, and via the scrum master, to clarify the situation and figure out a way forward. But she just kept telling me everything was fine. I feel there wasnāt much more I could have done in that situation, since she seemed completely closed off to constructive conversation, but Iām interested to know what others might have done differently.
I always think I can help everyone and always thought at the time I can turn anyone aroundā¦but the reality is I can name about 3 or 4 people I couldnāt.
Its rare for me to experience this too. But I invest a lot of time trying to unlock the blockers in their mind. Sometimes you get lucky, you ask once and they unload, brilliant.
Sometimes I try different techniques for example using distraction to ask their opinion on something else or work with them on something to come up with ideas - sometimes that can organically unlock whats on their mind.
If they have a close relationship with someone else, like the scrum master, use it to your advantage. If they have an influence, then see if they can unlock whats bothering them. At the end of the day your intention is to make sure theyāre OK and if there is anything you can do to help.
But in the end, there will be some people that you just canāt reach. If you manage them, one way or another, you have to deal with it. Hopefully its not a problem affecting the team dynamics.
Thank you for sharing your experience @cassandrahl. As others have already highlighted, it seemed like you did your best in this situation and there wasnāt much more you could do.
I think a few things to remember in practicing self awareness is that, it is only a foundation, a first step to building emotional intelligence (EI) according to Daniel Goleman-the main proponent of EI.
Other important aspect of EI is self-regulation, and importantly empathy, which is āthe capacity to understand and share the feelings of others. It involves recognizing and responding to the emotional cues of others, and showing sensitivity to their needsā.
So, when faced with the situation you described, my initial response would be to āassumeā as I highlighted in my talk, that the colleague has a reason for their action. I.e. why they say one thing to you, and another to the scrum master. Therefore, my approach will be to show some curiosity to find out what is going on in their mind that makes them want to do that.
Again, this is one of those examples where I will say:
a little bit of patience might go a long way.
take a step back, observe and focus on how best to respond to the situation
and when the opportunity presents itself, ask genuinely curious questions to understand whatās going on with them.
In the end, when you have tried and done all you can, and nothing changes, itās also important to remember as @ghawkes said, you really canāt fix it all. You canāt help anyone who isnāt willing or wanting to be helped. Therefore, at some point you might need to not think too much about the attitude of the colleague, but just focus on how you react, ensuring it doesnāt make anything worse. Then move on, and move forward.
